the online show of my own life flopped and disappeared from the internet. i, the main character, couldn’t act comfortably in front of my audience. there were ongoing, unresolved technical, artistic and philosophical differences as well. 

i’ve been there on the show, twice before, and loved it for what is was and the benefits it brought me. the doors of communication blowing open. and then ripping off their hinges. like the cheap, hollow core doors of a beach front hotel rip off in a hurricane. sitting in front of other people’s lives, watching their shows as they watched my show… fun. undeniably fun. 

but after a while i always wanted to take my show to some crazy places. i wanted to run naked across the text fields. i wanted to flood all the little boxes with the raw emotions i was feeling. i wanted to change my name to what it really is:

My Soul is Probably Most Comfortable in The Form of a Sequoia Tree Standing Along the Coast of Northern California and Not In It’s Present Form of a Human Being

but my crazy show couldn’t be this crazy according to the rules. name not real. file too big.

and there were other problems. i want to say this. but look who’s watching me say it. but i want to be friends with you in real life. i could care less about being friends with you online. how do i upload my secrets. share what i didn’t do. fit all of me in the little boxes. the online show is digital. but humans are, at least, of qubits. as someone who finds buddhism to be on point, it should be enough just to live here and now, and not online too as an avatar of a self which doesn’t exist.

but those problems weren’t the reason my show ran into trouble. when my show began to overlap other people’s shows, i started saying clever and funny things, like i was reading from a script i was learning to perform, all to make my show stand out a little more. and that’s when, exactly at that moment in time, my show failed. the main character was starting to act. and i just wanted to be myself.